The reason I may never survive a relationship:

I am well aware of the human capacity for evil, and for that reason, fundamentally distrustful and fearful of strangers.

I am rather easy to maim, being diminutive of stature and timid by nature. I have been hurt in the past, badly, by people whom I trusted my life with, destroying all my previous notions of morality.

This does not mean that I will not lash out when provoked. We are all animals; our primal instinct is to protect ourselves.

A few weeks ago, I had recurring dreams of throwing myself against a door, hearing footsteps draw closer and closer, feel the door fly open and scrambling for cover when there is none to be found……

Another dream — the night is cold, impenetrable, and so are the innumerable stars above. I walk onwards with no destination, the air slashing open my bare skin. The tears running down my face are frozen before they hit the ground. I am screaming out into the dark but I don’t hear a sound, save for the howling of the wind.

If only they stayed dreams.

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