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What a surreal, Murakami-esque birthday it’s been, laden with surprises of all sorts.

 

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Goals for the next two years:

  1. Move out for good
  2. Travel as much as possible
  3. Cut back on alcohol consumption
  4. Pursue more hobbies
  5. Get a cat
  6. Eat proper meals and avoid staying up late
  7. Start and maintain a long-term relationship
  8. Be more tidy
  9. Work harder in school
  10. Vivre sans regrets
  1. Awkward Bunny from Wong Fu store
  2. Tickets to College & Gotye
  3. Bogu: kote, do, tare, zekken
  4. Chapters gift card
  5. Any sort of gift cards
  6. Straightener
  7. A time machine, as per usual (which would render the concept of birthdays meaningless, wouldn’t it?)

Words spilling out of me like century-old wells freshly unearthed. Not nearly as crisp, as pure. I am stumbling through these fragmented thoughts, choking on these incoherent words, trying to justify my thoughts and actions but it’s pride, my all-consuming pride that has me shattered, crawling across the ground, blinded by tears and shrouded in self-loathing.

Time and time again.

“I will miss you fleetingly, for a second every now and then, in a moment of weakness or fragility. I will think about how good it felt, like an evanescent, elusive dream. Until I recall that was exactly why it collapsed. It never endures.

I will miss you achingly, until every little nerve inside of me sets itself on fire and wants to break apart and escape from the confines of this body to find you, because honestly, you were the glue. I will tremble and shake and realize with pain, with tears in my eyes. I will let it go. I will realize that it has turned into a torrential downpour, and like a dam bursting, I will not be able to control it. I will feel the barely-repaired pieces of my heart break again.

I will miss you with a strange sense of detachment. It will be at times when I am doing nothing, and suddenly you will make your presence felt throughout me. Maybe it will be that I still haven’t wrapped my head around your absence. I will know that it was for the best, but I will still wonder as to how my life would have been if things had been different.

I will miss you with bitterness, with darkness and anger I did not know I possessed. I will think of you in my darkest hour and will curse you for everything that is currently going wrong in my life and everything that will go wrong. I will imagine a life where you and I never collide and everything remains picture perfect. I will hate you for tainting the memories of a time never coming back.

I will miss you with a song on my heart. Reminiscing about our moments, so light and happy, I will find them full of an easy gaiety I found with no one else. I will know that we have limited time together so I’ll do my best to make the most of it. I will, at the same time, be afraid to give my all to you. I will leave soon enough, so I hope you will not hold it against me.

I will miss you because you were once a part of my life, because you’re not here anymore and because it hurts.”

July 2012
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